Let's suppose that Bob ate lunch yesterday at his favorite barbeque joint, but did not reveal this to his wife. Is that problematic?  Probably not.  Information about something so routine is commonly not a matter of discussion, and if Bob fails to disclose his lunch menu, virtually no one would fault him.  But let's suppose that at that barbeque joint, Bob spent his lunch time with a beautiful blonde who was not his wife, and they spoke seductively to one another throughout the course of the meal.  Ok, now we have a problem. Bob's behavior would be considered out of bounds, and his failure to disclose it would be part of a well planned scheme to keep his wife in the dark about questionable behavior. 

While it is impossible to reveal every facet of our lives to one another, there are some things that remain undisclosed due to sinister elements attached to the behavior.  The possibilities of secretive behavior are many.  For instance, those involved in sexually inappropriate priorities inevitably maintain patterns of deception.  They work hard to give the appearance of normalcy knowing fully that there is an abnormal part of life they do not want exposed.  Likewise, substance abusers work hard to portray a clean image knowing that they are prioritizing habits that would be censored if known. 

People are often secretive about their use of money.  They may spend it in ways that would bring the scorn of a family member if it became known, or perhaps they are involved in financial juggling due to problems like gambling or credit card abuse or just plain greed.  Maybe they know the spouse would not approve of the use of the money so they just choose not to bring the subject up.  Likewise, many people keep their schedules secret because they want to give the appearance that they are doing one thing when in fact they are not doing what others assume they should be doing. (Have you ever spent part of a work day slacking on the job, knowing the boss would reprimand you if he or she saw your laziness?)

Teenagers determine that they have to keep secrets in order to avert the wrath of parents.  They may use cell phones late at night when the parents assume they are in bed asleep.  They may tell the folks that they are socializing with one set of friends when they are actually hanging out with people that would not be approved.  They may find ways to cheat on tests or term papers as they pursue better grades.  They will certainly hide their sexually curiosities or they may give their parents the impression that they can be trusted with responsibilities when they have no intention to follow through as expected.

Some people are secretive even when their behaviors are reasonable.  It is their emotions they do not want to expose.  For instance, some hide the fact that they feel agitated or depressed or resentful.  They may be skilled at smiling even when they are hurting inside.  It could be that their secretiveness was caused by a threatening person's abusiveness or controlling attitude.  Or perhaps they feel the pressure to craft a certain image in order to keep another person from becoming rejecting.  They have concluded that openness comes at too high of a price, so it is better to hide the real self.

In a perfect world every person would openly disclose any and every aspect of their lives to anyone who needs to know.  Being known would be welcomed as a good thing and relationships would be typified by freedom and accountability.  Ideally we would be willing to discuss our needs, feelings, and yearnings because of the premium placed on authenticity.

Instead, we live in a world of judgment, rejection, and unpredictable emotional responses, meaning that each of us has concluded that there are times when it is too painful to be fully self-disclosing.  Wanting to avoid others'' harsh reactions, we stay inside our protective shells, whether it is good for us or not.

Just because there are negatives in our relationships that inhibit full disclosure, we do ourselves no favors when we hide significant portions of our lives from those who could be instrumental in keeping our lives on track with healthy priorities.  Yes, discernment is needed to determine who is safe and who is not safe to share sensitive disclosures, but that discernment can be balanced by a general willingness to let people see the real you. 

If you keep secrets because of priorities that are harmful, would you be willing to make your vulnerabilities known, seeking accountability and professional treatment if warranted?  If you keep secrets only because of another's certain rejection, would you be willing to become less defensive and more bold in self assertion?  If your secretiveness involves protecting someone who does not need to be protected, would you consider dropping the enabler's role, opting instead for straight-forward communication?

You can only be as healthy as your secrets allow you to be. As secrets occupy a powerful position in your life, know that they will inevitably be accompanied by lots of emotional garbage.  Being healthy requires a commitment to keep the garbage from piling up inside.