In a Peanuts comic strip, Charlie Brown was quizzing Linus about the nature of coyotes.   Are they tame like dogs or should they be avoided at all costs?  That was his question.  The final panel showed Snoopy musing to himself: "My Grandpa always told me to never trust a coyote wearing a tuxedo."  Snoopy didn't realize it, but he expressed the sentiments I often have regarding people who have a coyote-like temper. 

It is not at all uncommon for me to counsel someone in the immediate aftermath of a wild rage that sent family and friends into a state of shock or panic.  Often the story centers on a scene that began innocently enough only to end with great shouting, cursing, shoving, accusing and more.  Perhaps a marital dispute generated much consternation, resulting in a fit of out-of-control anger.  Sometimes a dating situation created great feelings of jealousy, leading to an eruption of emotion far beyond reasonable expressions.  Other times, a parent might feel so agitated by a child that screams and spankings get out of hand, to the point of abuse. 

Initially, as these individuals speak with me about the ugly incidents, they usually express great remorse and shame, indicating that they cannot believe their emotions became so outrageous.  Often I'll hear that they have made numerous past attempts to tame their tempers, though with mixed results.  Frequently I learn that their deep history consisted of significant people who poorly modeled anger management skills, meaning they have struggled to find ways to keep the emotion in check.  They will typically tell me that they want to respond to the current circumstance by delving into their psyches for the purpose of much needed introspection and adjustment. 

I applaud individuals who step up to the plate in such dire times, taking full responsibility for their actions.  I genuinely believe that the greatest opportunity for growth is spurred by examining oneself once the wheels come off.  People tend not to grow very much when life clicks along smoothly.  Awful events can generate the deepest insights because the pain is severe enough to make a person realize that there has to be a better way.

I am cautious, though, when I hear initial promises of change because experience has taught me that early feelings of regret fade and in time, old patterns can re-emerge. In such cases, the original expressions of regret are akin to a coyote donning a tuxedo.  The outside looks greatly improved, but the inside is still the same.

How can you genuinely tell if a raging person can be trusted whenever he or she expresses sorrow over a particularly negative incident?  Let's consider several factors:

Time.  There is nothing that reveals a person's resolve like the passage of time.  When embarrassed by a volatile incident, it is easy to admit wrong because the behavior is so hard to defend.  Nothing short of an apology is appropriate.  More impressive, though, is the person's behavior a week, then a month, then a year later.  Consider, for instance, a dad who had terrorized his wife and children by a wild rage that included abrasive shouting and throwing of objects.  For the first few weeks he was on good behavior, insisting that he would never repeat the same.  Yet within a month, there were more shouts, not quite as bad as the original, but strong enough to make the family question if he had been as sincere as originally stated.  Time revealed that his original apology was suspect.

Accountability.  Often, when a person has a major anger outburst, he does not want anyone else to know about it, as if the event should be kept secret.  While it is advisable to refrain from talking about personal problems with those who are not mature enough to handle it, it is almost always necessary to confide in others about the problem.  Abusive anger represents an attempt to maintain powerful control, and the fewer people who are aware of the behavior, the more control the person is allowed to feel.  Accountability can create humility, and that is always a good thing when a person seeks self improvement.

Empathy.  When individuals are in the throes of intense anger, they care little about another's feelings and needs.  Self absorption reigns supreme.  When, therefore, these people are attempting to demonstrate that a new leaf has been turned, it is essential that they show a willingness to consider the feelings of those who have been harmed.  They will set aside the temptation to say "but you should have …" and instead will recognize that the others have feelings and perceptions that deserve contemplation.

Insight.  Once raging anger is acknowledged as problematic, it is not enough for the person to simply say: "Ok, I won't do that again."  There are reasons that persons have rage problems: deep seated insecurity, a need for control, fear, unresolved hurt and grief, to name a few.  Only as these matters are understood fully can a person make the necessary headway in taming the emotion.

Coyotes dressed in tuxedoes eventually reveal that they are still coyotes.  Angry people who merely put window dressing on their emotional pain will eventually reveal that the emotion remains central to their character.  They can only be trusted again when they commit to a lifelong process of changing the inner spirit.