Sitting in my counseling office, face flushed, mascara running with her tears, Jean was totally exasperated. For years she took pride in being known as the one who could make everyone smile. Ever available, she was the friend others called in tough times. She relished in the role of confidante. She was the perfect wife, sister, mother (or at least that’s what she tried to be). Legions of acquaintances would brag how she was the embodiment of sweetness and kindness.

But somewhere along the way to such an ideal reputation, Jean began feeling emotions she dared not admit to anyone. She struggled with depression and disillusionment. She often hid debilitating anxiety. Anger was too common of a response, though she preferred to call it hurt or frustration. Guilt and shame would easily overtake her, as would insecurity. 

"I can’t keep it up," she confessed. "I feel like I’ve backed myself into a corner that I need desperately to get out of. People say how much they admire me or how they couldn’t get along without me, but I don’t think they realize how they create stress by always expecting me to be emotionally available."

As Jean and I talked it became clear that she was the consummate people pleaser who had dug herself into a deep emotional pit due to unnecessary self-imposed requirements. As is so common among people who are overly available to others, she needed to adjust her thinking and establish necessary relationship boundaries. I wanted her to understand that she was doing herself no favors by being so sweet, and frankly, she was not being as helpful as she might have thought by being so available to family and friends.

Like Jean, you too may inadvertently contribute to your own emotional crises by trying too hard to please others. If so, perhaps you could benefit, as Jean ultimately did, by adjusting some of the patterns that are common among people pleasers.  Let’s examine some of those adjustments here:

Adjustment # 1.  Don’t take responsibility for what is not yours.  People pleasers often think, "I must be the one who keeps others feeling good about their circumstances."  They then step right into the role of caretaker, doing whatever they feel is required to keep others happy.  Instead, remember that while it is good and desirable to tend to others’ needs, you have crossed the line of healthiness when you make yourself primarily responsible for others’ happiness.

Adjustment #2.  Don’t enable others to be unhealthy.  Beyond feeling responsible for others’ well being, people pleasers often set into motion an even deeper problem, enabling others to remain in unhealthy patterns.  When you act in pleasing ways, there is a possibility that others will think, "This is an excellent opportunity for me to indulge my selfish desires."  Only naïve persons will assume that their pleasing behaviors will be universally met with right responses.  When you sense that others receive your kindness with a spirit of entitlement, it is probably time to use the word "no."

Adjustment #3.  Live with healthy self respect.  Suppose you speak with a friend about a very serious subject and the person responds, "Face it, your feelings and perspectives don’t really matter."  You would be greatly insulted. Just as you would not want others to think of you so poorly, you cannot afford for you to dismiss your feelings. If you are overly compliant or too available you may inadvertently indicate that you have a low regard for your own worth.  Don’t let that happen.

Adjustment #4.  Be honest.  Most people pleasers cringe at the thought of telling lies since virtuous behavior is such a high priority. Yet, they need to recognize that the suppression of emotions represents a form of dishonesty.  Jean’s troubled emotions illustrated how she had fallen into a trap of masking her real self.  She couldn’t bear the thought of letting people know how stressed or weary she felt.  Guilt inhibited her from being able to say something like, "I have other priorities that I need to address first," or "I’d prefer that you take care of your own needs."  She often had these thoughts, but instead she would cover up with a smile, allowing others to assume she felt upbeat when really she felt annoyed or burdened.  People like her forget that healthy relationships allow for a full range of feelings and needs to be expressed.

Adjustment #5.  Drop duty as a primary motivator.   While operating with duty is certainly not wrong, people pleasers let duties overshadow free will. Many secretly admit that they would choose differently if given the option, but they are driven by an internal system of must and should. I remind them: "You do have choices in every circumstance. You are no one’s slave, so you need not act as if you are bound by dictates.”

Others may have notions about how you are supposed to live and it is good to be open to their input, but only you can decide what is truly appropriate for yourself.

Dr. Les Carter