Recently a man in Bosnia, unhappily married and desperately looking for someone who could love him, logged onto a dating web site to find the ideal woman.  After sifting through numerous profiles and chatting with several candidates, he settled on a woman who went by the code name of Sweetie. He had given himself the moniker, Prince of Joy.  It did not take long for him to realize that in Sweetie he had found a woman who possessed that extra something he was looking for.  She was funny, kind, and empathetic. She too was aglow as she sensed that she had discovered a man who had a special knack for understanding and communication. Like Prince of Joy, she ached for a soul mate who liked the things she liked and could share deep emotions freely.  Each felt incredible relief and excitement as they dreamed of connecting with one who could fill the emotional void they had carried for years. So after many penetrating cyber conversations they decided that the chemistry they were generating was too strong to squelch. They had to meet.

Sweetie commented, "I was suddenly in love again. It was beautiful. I thought I had finally found someone who understands me." She especially related to his hurt of being in a current relationship that was unrewarding since she too was with someone whom she deemed insensitive and cold. With great anticipation and high hopes they arranged to meet at a local café for lunch.
Imagine the emotion they each experienced when at the café they instantly recognized one another. In fact they had known each other for years.  You see, Sweetie and Prince of Joy were already husband and wife!

When looking for love, one of the great entrapments that can lead to emotional ruin is infatuation, which can be defined as an unsustainable romantic high. In the early stages of a budding love relationship it is common to accentuate fluffy ideals, only to discover later that it was mere spin.  Even when disclosures are made regarding personal flaws and failures, an accommodating spirit can prompt infatuated lovebirds to dismiss warning signs in favor of dream-come-true wishes.

Simply put, infatuated romances are by definition void of stark honesty, sometimes toward the other person, sometimes with oneself, and usually both.

Many will assert that it makes no sense to be dishonest in love since the truth inevitably has a tendency to rise to the surface over time.  Yet despite the wisdom of open-eyed truthfulness, the craving to love and be loved can generate a blind willingness to overlook the obvious. Lovers are famously willing to ignore long term consequences as they pursue short term feel-good experiences.  They forget the old adage, "If it seems too good to be true, it probably is."

So how can couples avoid the hurt that accompanies infatuated beginnings? 

First, let time be a teacher. People may be self flattering in the ways they portray themselves, but falsehoods are more difficult to sustain as face to face exchanges grow in number.  Don’t take relationship shortcuts. 

Second, drop the happily-ever-after dream. While it is reasonable to desire friendliness and compatibility, even the best of matches are flawed. Wise lovers know that growth, not perfection, is the goal for a thriving relationship.

Third, maintain a broad base of support.  Lovers cannot afford to put all their emotional eggs into one basket.  They need encouragement from numerous sources. Not only will they not be as inclined to sink or swim based on one person’s responses, they will have the advantage of having other people who can keep them grounded in reality regarding their budding relationships.

Finally, live with a "now contentment." Rather than speculating how wonderful life will become once that special person arrives, know that you can have inner peace today with or without that ideal match.  You do not have to have one special person in order to be complete. Rather, completeness comes when you develop a character and integrity that needs no defense.

Let’s recognize that the Western notion of ecstatic, romanticized love is overrated.  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy being lovingly connected just as much as the next person, but age and experience teach that fullest love is anchored in traits like patience, tolerance, mercy, and forbearance.  Mature lovers can still find time to giggle and express passion, but they also have had their share of conflict, disagreement, and disappointment…and that is okay.

Prince of Joy and Sweetie were divorced soon after the café encounter.  I suppose they recognized that their communications had been filled with fraud and the disillusionment accompanying their discovery was too great.  Let’s hope that the next time they went looking for love they began with a greater commitment to genuine honesty.

Dr. Les Carter