When I attempt to help individuals decipher the reasons for their angry eruptions, several variables tend to be prominent.  For instance, angry people commonly feel threatened and the anger is actually an expression of fear…but try convincing the hairy-chested bully of that.  Anger can also indicate a stinging hurt from feeling misunderstood, which tells us that the individual struggles greatly with insecurity.  Additionally, anger can have roots in episodes of grief, abandonment, disillusionment, and rejection.  There is no one cause for anger since we each experience it within differing contexts.

Despite the varying roots, unhealthy anger can virtually always be understood as an attempt to communicate power and strength.  Many angry people, however, are reluctant to admit that even as they are putting on a power display, the deeper issue beneath the anger is their fear of being powerless.  Anger is a compensatory emotion, and people trying to make sense of it will gain insight as they ask what they are seeking compensation for.

First, notice how virtually every instance of ill fated anger is an attempt to impose one’s will onto another.  Open aggression is the easiest illustration of this matter.  Behaviors in this category include shouting, accusing, blaming, criticizing, slamming doors, cursing, and invalidating.  The clear intent of the angry person is to let the other person know who is in charge and whose ideas are to be heard.  The use of blatant force reveals the angry person’s secret assumption that the message would be dismissed if it were communicated with a calm, rational tone.  The open aggression is an overt attempt to compensate for feelings of powerlessness.

Power anger, though, is not limited to just outward forms of aggression.  Passive expressions of anger can actually reflect a more potent attempt to overcome powerless feelings.   Consider the message behind angry silence.  Persons who refuse to speak in the midst of conflict know that they generate great annoyance when they clam up. The implied insult is: "You’re not even worth talking to; I have no use for you right now." They experience pseudo-strength when the other person pleads for openness.  Momentarily they are in the superior position, and the experience can be intoxicating.

When I counsel angry people, I like to be pragmatic.  I will often ask, "While you may have momentary feelings of superiority and strength, in the long run, how are your relationships enhanced by power tactics?"  The answer is obvious.  Not only are relationships harmed, the angry person is likely to have diminished influence as the “opponent” chooses to retreat.  Over the short term, powerfully angry people may feel a surge of influence, but over the long term they find difficulty shaking the reputation of being a boor.

I presume that real power is directly related to long term influence, so it would make sense to ponder how people are ultimately affected by communication styles.  Is bullying the best way to be influential?  Can you redirect people’s thoughts best by punishing them with silence?  Do insults and accusations really put you in the driver’s seat?  Is meanness the best path to true power?

Speaking personally, I am much more apt to listen to another’s confrontation when it is accompanied by respectful communication.  When the other person upholds a sense of dignity as disagreements are discussed, I am impressed.  I’m far more likely to drop my defenses and hear the concerns that need addressing.

Yes, anger can be triggered by feelings of powerlessness.  But smart angry people (it is possible to be both angry and smart) recognize that they can compensate for feeling powerless by communicating with a spirit of equality.  Insults can be set aside in favor of understanding.  Firmness can be maintained with calmness.  Directness need not be an excuse for harshness.  Flexibility can be prioritized over stubbornness.  Listening can take the place of invalidations. 

To have power means you have the ability to influence others in a manner that is good for all involved.  When you are blustery or rude or mean-spirited with your anger, your momentary power surge will fade as it becomes obvious that people care less and less about what you feel or think.

Anger and decency can go together, but you have to plan for it.  Once you do, expect your influence and your self respect to increase.

Dr. Les Carter