I have been divorced for the past two years. My ex-husband has become everything I don’t want my sixteen year old son be. He’s into partying and women and general irresponsibility. I know I’m not supposed to put my son’s dad down to him, but I want him to understand that I don’t want him to turn out the same as his dad. So far, he’s a good kid, but I’m afraid that his dad’s influence will eventually rub off on him. How do I discuss this subject with my son, or should I?

Dr. Carter:

You are indeed facing a trying and delicate situation. Studies show that when divorced parents speak ill of the other parent, the children suffer. Yet I can understand that you do not want to stand idly by and let the dad’s behavior go unaddressed.

I think it would be wise to speak frankly with your son about the differences between you and his dad. After all, at sixteen, he is old enough to realize that your philosophies of life are not on the same page. It is reasonable to let your son know what you stand for regarding morality and spirituality and responsibility without insulting his dad. Simply let him know: “You know that your dad and I differ in the way we think. I can only let you know what I think is a smart way to live, then it will be up to you to determine which path you will choose.” Then at that point you can address the issue on you heart. Put your opinions into play without necessarily putting down your ex. I am hoping your son will appreciate your candor and that he will see that you are trying to be open without being condescending to his dad.

In the meantime, it will be helpful for him to have exposure to other families that share the same values as you. I hope he is open to church youth activities and other outlets that likely would expose him to solid role models.