Dear Dr. Carter: My husband and I have been married almost 20 years. Recently I learned that he had an affair with a woman at work. He assures me that the affair has been severed and that he absolutely will not go back to her. We are in counseling and the counselor seems to think that his efforts to restore the marriage are sincere. My problem is this. The two of them still work near each other and it is not likely that either will quit their jobs, at least not in the next several months. My husband would leave the job, but it would be hard for him to get new work, and we have bills to pay. How can I keep my sanity knowing that the woman he shared himself with is still lurking nearby? I want to trust him, but how can I ?

Dr. Carter: When individuals have an affair, it is unusual for them to consider the problems that you have just described. Oblivious to reality, they mistakenly assume that they can somehow avoid the sticky circumstances that are part of the aftermath of an illicit relationship. It takes exposure to the loved ones to get these people back into reality. Unfortunately that is your job now, though you certainly didn’t ask for this job!

In most instances after an affair has been discovered, it is necessary to stop all contact with the other person. In this case, since it is not likely that this will happen for a while, there are other measures that can be put into place that can help create the accountability that you are looking for.

First, it would not be inappropriate for you to talk personally to the other woman, letting her know of your intentions to keep your marriage together. I know that could be difficult for you, yet it makes you more real to her, and therefore, perhaps she will be less inclined to “swindle” someone who has a face and a voice and legitimate priorities. Second, I think it would be most necessary for someone that he respects at his work to know about what has happened. I know it would be hard for your husband to be open about this, but it could put some humility into play, and that is certainly not a bad thing. It would also mean that you have an extra set of eyes on him when he is away from you. It would be appropriate for you to check in with this person regularly.

Finally, I would assume that he is willing to be completely accountable regarding his time, money, phone records, etc. His full compliance with such measures would be considered a good sign. Any indication from your husband that he, not you, will call the shots regarding these matters is a bad sign.

I’m glad you are in counseling with him. Stay with it!